Star Wars XXX - A Porn Parody

(Blogger's Note:  I wrote this back in early March and have debated posting it. I finally decided that I would break my usual rule about only posting reviews of videos I really liked because there were some things about this one that I really DID like.  Unfortunately the sex wasn't one of them.  So caveat emptor maximus on this one folks.  Read on at your own risk.)

Title:  Star Wars XXX
Studio:  Vivid
Director:  Axel Braun
Released:  02/21/12
Performers: Aiden Ashley [LezOnly], Allie Haze [Facial IR], Brandy Aniston [Facial], Eve Laurence [Facial], Gia DiMarco,  Jennifer White [Anal Facial], Kimberly Kane [LezOnly], Rihanna Rimes [Facial], Danny Wylde, Derrick Pierce, Hef Pounder (as Dick Chibbles), Lexington Steele, Rocco Reed, Seth Gamble, Tom Byron
NonSex Performers Jennifer Dark, Kylie Ireland, Lily Cade, Lizzy London, Rylie Richman, Andy Appleton, Belial, Benjamin Airey, Brian Street, Team Eli Cross (as Brynn Pryor), Chi Chi LaRue, Joe Spewgemante, Kris Kelvin, Kris Slater, Kyle Stone, Marcus London, Nick Danger, Peter O Tool, Ryan Driller, Ryan McLane, Shylar Cobi, Tommy Gunn, Tommy Pistol

Given the number of 4 and 5 star reviews Star Wars XXX has received it would be easy to jump on the band wagon and join in the chorus of praise for Axel Braun and his all star cast.  But I’m not going to do that.

I generally avoid writing reviews of movies I don’t really like.  There have been one or two exceptions, and I’ve had cause to regret writing those reviews.  This will probably fall into that category.

First though, I want to tell you about the things I really liked in this video.  Allie Haze is a treat to watch and anytime I get to see her with her clothes off is a cause for celebration.  She rarely puts a foot wrong and always looks like she’s having fun.  So, there’s one for the plus column.  The camera work, lighting, costumes, art direction, sets, special effects, and script are all outstanding – if this video doesn’t win awards in all of those categories this year we need to drug test all the voters.  In short, the non-sex portions of this video are outstanding, and mega-kudos to Axel Braun for his attention to detail and homage to George Lucas' masterwork.

Tom Byron is terrific as the old Jedi Obi wan Kenobi. He can still bring it at a time when a lot of porn actors his age have hung up their spurs.  And he has developed a flair for comedy.  Seth Gamble and Rocco Reed are more than adequate as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo.  Chewbacca and Lord Vader are competently rendered by Dick Chibbles and Lexington Steele.  The non-sex participants also give good performances, particularly Kylie Ireland as a doomed rebel pilot who crashes into the Death Star.

This movie was funny and well acted.  Special effects and all the technical stuff were first rate.  They worked very hard to recreate the Star Wars universe in great detail – that much is obvious to anyone.

But…

I hated the George Lucas “Directors Cut” version of episodes IV, V, and VI of the original Star Wars saga.  The material he put back in really did belong on the cutting room floor because it didn’t advance the story and it looked tacked on.

Unfortunately, that is the case with the sex in Star Wars XXX.  It looks tacked on.  The sex itself isn’t bad, if you can force yourself to remember how many times the participants probably had to stop while the camera was moved or the Director wanted a change in position. 

Let’s take Allie’s first of two sex scenes as an example.  She’s been captured by the Imperial forces led by Lord Vader who we now know is her father (we obviously didn’t know this when the original Episode IV played in theaters, just like we also didn’t know that Luke was her twin brother).   In the famous interrogation scene we are teased with the idea of Vader torturing Princess Leia.  The Princess hates Vader because he represents everything that’s wrong with the Empire – an Empire she is actively trying to overthrow.  So when he shows up in her cell threatening her, what does she do?  She starts masturbating and then gives Vader (her father) a blowjob.  WTF?  I know this is supposed to be a parody (I dislike porn parodies in general, although there have been some good ones, the most recent Star Trek parody being a good example) but the idea of Princess Leia blowing Vader is beyond absurd.  Perhaps the idea of being tortured for information is supposed to turn the Princess on?  OK, it was fun watching Allie rub her coochie but this scene was disappointing none the less because it wasn’t motivated by any plot consideration whatsoever.

The same is true for Tom Byron’s otherwise bone worthy tryst with Jennifer White – Obi wan having sex with one of the Sand People?  Again, WTF?  Seeing Tom Byron with the ineffable White would be a treat under any other circumstance but this scene makes no sense.  Your mileage may vary, but to me, it’s another tacked on scene that doesn’t have any connection to the story.

In fact most, if not all, of the sex in this movie appears tacked on.  This is often true in parodies.  When you’re stuck with an original story that didn’t have any sex in it how do you write in sex scenes that make any sense in terms of the dramatic arc?  That is why, for me, most parodies don’t work.  It was like, “OK this is a porn feature so we have to have sex in it – let’s put some here, here, and, oh, what the hell, how about here?”  This was especially obvious in the cantina scene.

Watching story driven porn has spoiled me, and by story driven I mean stories in which the sex scenes are part of the story and necessary to the dramatic arc.  I thought about that as I forced myself to keep watching this highly touted and much anticipated Vivid feature.  And, this one contained two incest scenes and one featuring bestiality.  How did those scenes manage to clear the legal department?

In short while there are some terrific aspects of Star Wars XXX, overall it gets a grade of “C” from me because the sex was gratuitous the context of the story.  You may be thinking that all porn sex is gratuitous and you may have a point.  But in this case I found myself tempted to fast forward through the sex to get back to the story, and THAT doesn’t happen very often.  The women were beautiful and wonderfully displayed, the camera work was outstanding, the acting, for a porn feature, was top notch. But that couldn't overcome the contrived nature of the sex.

Back in the days when the mere sight of a naked woman or some exposed female genitalia -- even a bare breast -- would cause my slacks to tent I would have enjoyed this movie.  Perhaps I’m jaded to the point where I need/want something more from my porn.  I have to believe, or be willing to believe, that what is happening on the screen is real – at least real for that moment between the participants.  “Ready orgasm…and…cue orgasm” doesn’t do it for me.

I know that all science fiction requires the willing suspension of disbelief but that can only go so far.  In my case it doesn't extend to sex.  For that I need something plausible, OR, as in the case of gonzo porn, I just need people to start mattress dancing with no story whatsoever as long as they can convince me that they're having a good time.

Given how popular this feature has been you probably shouldn’t pay any attention to this review.  It is obvious that a lot of people worked VERY hard to bring this to life and I am sure they are proud of their achievement.  As I said earlier I expect that this video will capture a ton of awards at the next AVN conclave, and deservedly so.  I will clap and cheer along with everyone else – not that I’ll actually BE there, but metaphorically speaking I’ll join the clapping and cheering.  I just didn’t find this video all that stroke worthy.  Your mileage may vary.  Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. One man's ceiling is another man's floor.